Miami Beach, December 2014

1
Lucy diagnoses Charlie Brown’s seasonal depression as pantophobia, fear of everything. Wikipedia’s definition: “a vague and persistent dread of some unknown evil.”

2
A coworker my age died unexpectedly last month. What started as a cough turned out to be stage four breast cancer that had metastasized to her lungs. Soon after she was diagnosed, she was gone.

3
Every death recalls every other death.

4
A good friend in Miami. Arline’s best friend from high school. Our black lab, Pogo. An elderly woman who lived in our building.

5
Every death recalls every other death.

6
Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, Eric Garner. Israel Hernandez, tasered to death by Miami police for painting graffiti. John T. Williams, a carver of the Nitinaht tribe, killed by Seattle police for brandishing a carving knife.

7
Unknown evil? White supremacy holds tight. I have to look hard to see it at work in the world, listen hard to hear it. The excuse for the ideology of white supremacy is my safety.

8
Vague and persistent dread. Paralysis. Wariness. Withdrawal.

9
The end of the year comes.

10
A wise friend says: Out of every death comes a birth.

11
What slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

12
The daylight is lengthening, although it doesn’t seem to be lengthening. I pray for hope, a vague and persistent hope.